Why Are You Crying?

~erica

Halloween weekend 1993 at Fred Hutchison- Swedish Hospital, Seattle

Today I helped at the church for the service for a 5 year old who died of a mitochondrial disorder. I didn't plan on actually attending, just hanging out in the reception area during the service to make sure everything was ready. I watched about 2 minutes of the slide show and their pictures of central lines, hospitals, and normal kid stuff with medical equipment was too close to our pictures of life with Taryn; I just couldn't watch anymore and went into the office to call my friend Mary Linda. You see, she's been there done that too.

I grew up knowing that children die, I remember hoping I died before my 12th birthday because I thought that grown-ups wouldn't have as much fun in heaven. My mom's baby sister died in about 1963 of a Wilm's Tumor (now one of the most curable childhood cancers). When I was little my grandma always seemed sad, recently I realized that it had only been about 10 years since Terri died. Taryn died 17 years ago and there are days that it seems like yesterday. When I was 7 or 8 my aunt's baby boy died from a birth accident (I still don't know exactly what happened). 3 boys from my class died our Senior year. I knew people who knew people that lost babies to SIDS but it never personally touched me. When I was pregnant with Nathan a couple from our Bible Study lost their baby boy, Matthew, from placenta abruptio. At his funeral it devastated me to think that they were going to have to leave their little boy on Guam when they transferred back stateside.

When Taryn was diagnosed with leukemia at 6 months, they told us she probably would die that night or that first week. We had 18 months more months as a precious gift. That first night I held her in my arms, rocking and nursing her and mourning all the things she'd never be able to do and all the firsts I'd never get to see. I got to see her crawl, walk, talk, potty-train herself, I got to see her personality develop and learn her likes and dislikes. When she relapsed and died it was hard but it wasn't devastating- I knew that day was coming and I knew that I was letting her go to be healed perfectly.

2 years ago when Ahvri died the hardest part was that we didn't have any good memories to balance out the sadness. We never got to know her, she never became "real."

A week after Taryn died I got a phone call that another little girl had died at Children's. Nathan came in to the kitchen where I was crying at the table, overwhelmed by sadness. He asked me, "Why are you crying, mom? Don't you know Quinn is in Heaven with Taryn and Scotty?" He wasn't even 5 yet, but already understood, this world is not our home we're just passing through. We're not promised a perfect life, we're promised a Perfect Saviour and our job is to live our life to his glory. Just because we are Christians doesn't mean that we are sheltered from the results of our fallen world- we live in a world of sin and death and decay.

I guess maybe what I am trying to remind myself is that every day is precious. I get caught up in the everydayness of life and forget to be thankful for the little things, like the 5 boys and the little girl that God gave us because He has a sense of humor, for the healthiness of the kids, for the individuality of each of the kids, for the chance to be their mom. They are who they are because they were each especially chosen for me. When children are little and cute its easy to celebrate the firsts, everything they do is new and wonderful, it's just as important to mark and celebrate the firsts as they enter their teen years.

2008- just before Nathan left for the Army

So, tomorrow I'm sending Jonah off to his first Boy Scout camp, his first week away from me other than with grandparents, his first "big" boy event. Isaac is going as the big brother and the one responsible for the spending money and seeing that Jonah's okay. Monday I'm letting Rush drive us to Eastern WA and I'll try not to freak out too much. I'm letting Arin grow his hair out for Locks of Love even though its in his eyes and driving me nuts (Ryan's having a harder time- long, greasy hair reminds him of working at the prison).

Catching Up

~erica

I feel bad that the only blogging I've done lately is Saturday Confessions with Melissa at A Familiar Path, I've been taking pictures and we've been doing stuff but it hasn't made it on here. I've got our homeschool plan just about put together, Tovah and I have molded hard boiled eggs, I promised Ryan a Safeco Field post, but I just haven't gotten to them yet...

Arin had an orthodontist appointment just up the street from the spray fountain. It was one of the few really hot days we've had but only he and Tovah were interested in going and playing. I took them out for ice cream afterwards at Dairy Dans (their junior cones are about 8" high)

We went to hear a Mariachi band at the library on Tuesday, it sprinkled a bit but not enough to be a problem. They were really good and I guess several of them are big names in the music scene (my dad knows of the fiddle player and said if he'd known who was going to be there he would have come with us). Rush's friend has been staying with us this week, his family moved to New Mexico last fall.

Monday we went on the Steam Train. It's always a fun trip. I set up a late field trip for the local homeschoolers, I would have needed 60 to meet the minimum riders for the train but we were on with 2 other groups and didn't need a minimum. We had 122! I spent most of the hour plus trip catching up with people I haven't seen in several years and also putting faces to email addresses from the loop.

This is Arin's lightsaber in the dark. I ran upstairs and read a quick tutorial on taking fireworks pictures while Ryan and the kids set them up on the 4th. My dad found his tripod for me, I took a lot of shots pointed in the wrong direction as I couldn't see through my view finder exactly where I was pointed.

The neighbor's mortars above the field behind us.

Ryan bought a ton of sparklers but only Tovah wanted to do them. We have the leftovers for New Year's.

Saturday Confessions- July 10

~erica

1) I thought about writing my confessions yesterday but ran out of daylight (and energy). I spent my afternoon and evening at the church cooking and serving dinner for 75 bike riders. Each year 10,000 riders ride the STP from Seattle to Portland. A majority of them spend the night in Lewis County, and as we don't have that many hotel rooms available, many churches and families host riders. We have hosted several times as a fundraiser for Young Life but the last 2 years I've had to help out at church so we haven't hosted.

Grandma & Grandpa Hendrickson

2) I've scanned many of the family pictures that Grandma Hendrickson had. I wish I had taken the time to do it while she was still alive so that I could have talked to her about the who and where of many pictures.

Grandma Hendrickson with her parents and younger sisters in 1932

3) Grandma and I were working on her scrapbook of her 80th birthday party. I was supposed to go over and journal the book for her as she didn't feel up to all the writing, it's been on my To Do List for the past 4 years and I never made the time to do it. Now I have the album but no journalling in it, I can remember some of the stories she told me as we put it together but I'll always regret not finishing it with her.

Grandma Hendrickson with her parents and younger sister, Bernice

4) Rush's friend, Lincoln, is visiting from Albequerque. He brought XBox games and 2 seasons of Big Bang Theory, we're not getting anything else done.

Grandma with Taryn in 1994, about 2weeks before Taryn died (the night before we left for Disneyland)

5) Tovah hadn't changed her earrings since about halfway through the fastpitch season, yesterday she tried to change them and needed some help getting them off. Her earlobes had grown over the backs! She had lost an earring during a game so she had pushed the backs as far up the post as possible. 10 minutes later; after much heavy breathing, tears, and nausea on my part; I was able to pull them out of her skin and get the bleeding stopped. We had to find her some little drop earrings to maintain the holes until the skin heals enough to wear posts with backs again. I couldn't find what I wanted at Walmart so we bought some fishhook-style wires and cross charms. I'm afraid we might have started a new hobby.

6) I feel bad that the only blog posts I've taken time to write these past few weeks are Saturday Confessions

I'm starting the Bible in 90 Days at Moms Toolbox this week. I'm really looking forward to it. Arin and Tovah read the Bible this past year but I have to admit I've never actually read it cover to cover (that would be Confession #7)

Happy 4th of July!

~erica



Red Skelton explains the Pledge of Allegiance

My favorite Schoolhouse Rock song when I was a kid

Saturday Confessions- July 3 (okay, it's now the 4th)

~erica

I'm two days late for Saturday Confessions at A Familiar Path but that's on par for the week

We had VBS this past week. I came home every day and took a nap. I'd try to stay awake and get something done but I'd lay on the bed for a minute and 2 hours later wake up groggy and ucky feeling.

Thursday I caught the kids' "allergies" and now am sniffling, sneezing, and have a scratchy throat.

I didn't take a single picture all week. I took my camera to VBS on Monday but never took it out of the case. My sister-in-law got a picture of Tovah and her daughter at Grandma's service on Friday and put it on Facebook.  I've never saved a picture off of FB before so we'll see how it turns out.

Friday I didn't get a nap. We got VBS torn down, had less than an hour to run to a friend's house to shower and change clothes, then back to the church for the service. Jonah slept on my lap the entire service. Afterwards, friends from Seattle and Nathan came back to the house for dinner and to wait for I-5 traffic to clear.

Friday night I woke up after two and a half hours of sleep and couldn't go back to sleep, I finally gave up and came downstairs with my laptop until Ryan got up to go to work. Then I crawled back in bed with my Kindle and finished my book until almost 7. I slept til 10 when Tovah woke me about her bagels, fell back asleep at 11, and slept until 2.

Last night I tried to make Biscuits and Gravy but they weren't edible, I grabbed Baking Soda instead of Baking Powder and didn't realize until it was well mixed in. And my gravy didn't thicken. Ryan made pancakes when he got home.

This week I have to accomplish something since I've got nothing to show for 4 weeks of summer break. Rush drives three mornings this week so we have to get up and out the door.